Edited by abhilasha1951 at 19-9-2017 05:56 PM
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you knowthat with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd gowild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of yourfollowers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their liveswhenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that.With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
And the Pope slapped him ====================================================================================
Man: I got a brand new Toyota Fortuner FOR my wife.!
SARDAR: Wow...! That's an unbelievable exchangeoffer..! =================================================================================== Do you know how long Sachin played..??
The US $ was at Rs.19
Sensex at 800
Petrol Rs.9.84
Diesel Rs.4.08
Gold Rs.3100/10 gm
when he made his debut.
So instead of just watching his matches, if you had invested in these ...youcould have also retired with him!
So what can you do now?
New offer:
Invest now and retire with Virat Kohli!
============================================================================= An Indian guy goes for a job interview.
Interviewer: "Can you please write yourname in English on this paper?"
Interviewer: "Are you sure this is yourname"
Man: "Of course, I am sure that this is myname"
Interviewer "So your name is...PRETTY REDPANTIES"?
Man: "Yes sir, you told me to write my namein English, but in Punjabi my name is "SUNDAR LAL CHADHA" !! =================================================================================== The best Astronomical Theory for the Day !
Beer is like the sun ..... it rises in the yeastand sets in the Waist. ==================================================================================== Aclassic example of effective communication:
An older gentleman was on the operating tableawaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renownedsurgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoketo his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and justremember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and livewith you.'
The surgery was a great success.... ================================================================================== WorkPressure..
Husband continuously on business calls, bringsthe child home from school and tells his wife, "He has been crying all theway home. Is he sick or something?"
"No", replies the wife. "He wastrying to tell you that he is not our son." ===============================================================================
A man appeared in an interview
The interviewer " What is yourstrength?"
The man " My wife "
The interviewer " What is yourweakness?"
The man ". Others' wives" =============================================================================== Valentinespecial....
Boy: "I love you"
Girl: "Are you mad? I'm married. I have ahusband. I have a boyfriend in my office and my ex boyfriend is still myneighbor. My boss proposed to me yesterday and I can't say NO to him. And Ihave one serious extra marital affair..."
Boy (after a long pause): "Dekh le kahinadjust hota ho to." =================================================================================== Husband : What do u want for valentine day ?
Wife: Give me one ring that’s enough.
Husband: From landline or mobile? =============================================================================== J.Jayalalitha
O.PanneerSelvam
K.Sasikala
E.Palanisamy.
Initials tell you everything. You may laugh now. ================================================================================= Who is the happiest husband in India today?
Mr.Natarajan....
Thousands of crores of rupees to spend..
108 companies and lots and lots of properties toenjoy...
124 MLAs at his beck and call...
An entire State Government under his remotecontrol...
&
above all...
Wife in Jail =========================================================================== Valentine Day is around the corner
Surprise your girlfriend this Valentine byintroducing her to your wife!
Message brought to you by
David Coffin and cremations Ltd !!!!! ================================================================================= I met a very smart girl, Richa, practicing as a lawyer, atthe post office.
She was posting about 4 dozen cards.
I asked her what the occasion was.
She said that these were Valentine cards andsigned as "Guess Who" and sent to all the married men in and aroundher society.
She said that last year she had posted about 2dozen and was lucky to have about 2 divorce cases.
So this time she wanted to increase herbusiness... ================================================================================= A HEARTY LAUGH
An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S.
He finds cat food at special prices.
He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes tocheck out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that thisguy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asksthe Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.
The Indian goes home & returns with a cat& gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at specialprices.
He picks a dozen cans of dog food & goes tocheck out…
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinksthat this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog & he will probablyfeed dog food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring & show him thedog before he can let him have dog food.
The Indian goes home & returns with a dog.
He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week, the Indian comes to Walmartwith a bag. He asks the Manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager putshis hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy & immediately pulls it out…!!!
He shouts at the Indian, “What the hell…!!!
This is ****, You Idiot…!!!???”
The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, now may I buysome toilet paper which is on special please… ???”
Dont mess with Indians ================================================================================= A Priest is called... Father,
A Bishop, Your Grace
A Cardinal, Your Eminence…
and a Pope is called ... His Highness
But only a 36 – 24 – 36 in a Bikini is called" Oh My God" ==================================================================================== A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws fortheir good nature.
For this she goes for a walk by a river with thefirst son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyotacorolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by the river with thesecond son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also findsa Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : From your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by a river with thethird son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning hefinds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:
from your Father In Law! ================================================================================ In a corporate company, during annual health checkup, twoemployees were found to have normal blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol,ideal weight & BMI.
Both were terminated for not doing enough hardwork. ================================================================================ A married man has a -
Father / father-in-law
Mother / mother-in-law
Brother / brother-in-law
Sister / sister-in-law
Son / son-in-law
Daughter / daughter-in-law
Wife? ... she's the LAW!
============================================================================= Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blancothat she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the familyway."
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, andasked who was responsible.
The maid replied, "Your husband and yourson."
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded anexplanation.
"Well," Conswelo explained, "I goto the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go tothe living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in thefamily way and I quit." ==================================================================================== A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Beforeshe left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day shecalled her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you beso blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you couldhave said that it was playing on the roof
; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell offand had broken its leg;
then on the third day, you could have said thatthe poor thing had passed away in the night
. You could have been more sensitive about thewhole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof. =================================================================================== Once there was a competition in a crocodile farm. The firstperson who could jump into the lake and got back to land safely would win $10million.
Everyone waited for a long time and finally oneguy jumped in and swam for his life to the bank. While everyone wascongratulating him as he was presented his prize money, he was fuming madly :"who the hell pushed me?" And then he saw his wife was smiling...
MORAL OF THE STORY : behind every successful manthere is a woman who pushes him towards success. ==================================================================================== Sardar was appointed as sales person at a local store in Chandīgarh.
While on one of his shifts , a lady approachedhim and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out ofstock."
At this, the lady immediately turned to leavethe shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had beenlooking on, called Sardar aside and told him, "When a customer asks for aproduct that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and thenoffer other types of the same product.
For instance in this case it was peach jam;offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, apricot jam and soon."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toiletpaper and Sardar politely replied,
"I am sorry ma'am,
we do not have any toilet paper right now butyou could try some
Carbon Paper or
Sand Paper!" ==================================================================================== She : Darling, how much do you love me ?
He : 82%
She: Huh, why it is not 100%
He : 18% GST is applicable on all transactions. =================================================================================
Mom gets upset when she sees her son busy stitching a buttonto the trouser .
Mom: "I got u married, u have a wife forsuch things, I can't believe that u still have to stitch a button to your ownpant".
Son replies
" No mom it's her pant"..... ==================================================================================== A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.
"First, you go straight at them and thenyou circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally,you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them thefirst time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would youwant to eat them with all the **** still inside?" ================================================================================ A lawyer yesterday argued in Supreme Court that if physicalrelation with wife, without her consent, is termed as rape then....... Shoppingwithout husband's consent should be termed as Robbery.....
The judgeis still recovering... =============================================================================== A person reported to the police about ''Missing of his neighbor’swife.''
Police : Why are you complaining about hismissing wife?
Reply : I can't tolerate that guy's happiness.He is celebrating every day ! =================================================================================== Power cuts
are the only time
the whole family assembles together and membersspeak to each other. ...
as Wi-Fi also remains off...
Seeing this,
Electricity Board has decided to have a taglinecalled
"Connecting People by DisconnectingPower"!
=====================================================================================
Powerful message Men in Suits really look Good and successful
Until u find out that they work
For guys wearing Jeans and T shirts !!!!!! =================================================================================== JIO booked a BIG HALL in OUTSKIRTS of INDIA...
Announcement Of UNLIMITED BREAKFAST at 2₹...
People came to EAT at 2₹
In the same meet announced :-
UNLIMITED LUNCH @ 1₹
People called friends relatives...
Crowd grew 4 times...
Same meet announced..
UNLTD DINNER @ 0.50p...!
WHOLE INDIA FLOCKED...!
next day MORNING announced....
TOILET - 1001 ₹ per person per turn..!
This is JIO mere LAAL.. ====================================================================================== A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph,looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him. He floored itto 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old forthis nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited forthe police car to catch up with him . The officer walked up to him, looked athis watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Fridayand I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason that I'venever heard before for why you were speeding. I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man,and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought youwere bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir" ====================================================================================== Lipstick in School (priceless)......
A certain private school was faced with a uniqueproblem, where a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick..They wud apply it in the bathroom, which was fine. But after that they wouldpress their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints .
Every night the maintenance janitor would removethem, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something hadto be done.
She called all girls to the bathroom and metthem there with the maintenance janitor. She explained that all these lipprints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean themirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the littleprincesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been toclean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance janitor to show the girls how mucheffort was required.
He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in thetoilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on themirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then...
there are educators..!! ... ==================================================================================== Height of Innocence ...
A man reaches hospital with a fractured leg...
There he finds another man with both his legsfractured...
Expressing deep empathy, he asks him:
"Do you have TWO WIVES..!!??" ================================================================================= INDIAN MOM- just can't beat her!!!!!!!!
A Mom comes to visit her son
Kumar for dinner....who lives with
a roommate, a girl named
Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty Kumar's roommate
was. She had long been
suspicious of the relationship
between the two, and this had
only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there
was more between Kumar and his
roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts,
Kumar volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Sunita and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came
to Kumar saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the silver chutney
jar. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?"
Kumar said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll email her, just to
be sure...."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother: I'm not saying that
you 'did' take the chutney jar
from my house, I'm not saying
that you 'did not' take the
chutney Jar. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar
received an email from his
Mother which read
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you
'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with Sunita. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her
OWN bed, she would have found
the chutney jar by now under the
pillow...
Love, Mom.
Lesson of ur life: Don't Lie to
Your Mother...... ........especially if
she is an Indian!
===================================================================================== A Russian went for an eye check up.
The doctor showed the letters on the board.
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor : can you read this ?
Russian : Read??? I even know the guy......he'smy cousin. ======================================================================================== Subject: BREAKFAST IS THE INDICATER OF YOUR WIFE's MOOD:
If the Breakfast is UPMA, think what you haveshouted at her yesterday evening.
If the Breakfast is Masala Dosa, a clearindicator that your wife needs something this evening.
If nothing is done for Breakfast, and your wifeis sick in the morning itself, indicates that your parents are coming home.
If something special i.e two/three items aremade for breakfast, indicates that your in-law’s or her friends are cominghome.
If sweet is made with Breakfast, indicates thatthere is plan for movie of her choice.
If she is shouting on children, indicator thatyour friend had phoned up for drinks...
If lot of eatables are under preparation, clearindicator that she is proceeding to her mother’s house. ================================================================================= to be continued:...... | 
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Post time: 19-9-2017 17:55:04
Post time: 19-9-2017 20:28:47
Post time: 20-9-2017 11:17:41
