Laugh it out loud

Fun2BeAround

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUYACOMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Apple computer store. Can Ihelp you?


COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in myden and I'm thinking aboutbuying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buyone.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when Ilook at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need acomputer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need somethingI can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What do youhave?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommendanything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for myoffice?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!OK, let's just say I'm sittingat my computer and I want to type a proposal.What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' ifyou don't start with some straightanswers. What about financial bookkeeping?Do you have anything I can track mymoney with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with mycomputer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copyMoney.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copymoney?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Apple computer store. Can Ihelp you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START.

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Infosys Interview

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I ...am Ramesh Kulkarni. I did my TeleCommunicationengineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? Ihad neverheard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before gettinganadmission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I wasgetting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him‘baap’) – “I cannot invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I willnever waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this college. Franklyspeaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to aShetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years tocompleteyour engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. Butyou know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments.It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rdyear. So in all Itook 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I willtry to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches reallyaffect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thoughtI would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking fora job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms haveyou worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my currentplatforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my plat form then. Asyou can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi andAndheri are theplaces in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet inGerman, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is ahigherversion than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this isthelanguage our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the timesthey are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Sincejoining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench wassoftware like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word andExcel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call anduse speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like –‘Showstoppers‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’,‘ deadlines’ ,‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand..
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not havedeadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt andjeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoidbreakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year onshort term preferably 1-2 months)assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering thefact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’tmind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have manyexpectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome toINFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in theHRD of Infosys.

So Excellence is not the only thing Needed. Its the Unique Quality of a Personwhich can let anyone to Success. Work on Your own Field rather than followingsomebody else's Path

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HOW TO KILL A LION(Corporate Edition)
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Infosys Method:

• Hire a lion
• Send him for training in Mysore and make himfeel like the KING OF THE JUNGLE.
• Make him take a ‘Generic Compree Exam’…………LIONTURNS INTO CAT.
• Make him take a ‘Stream Compree Exam’…………CATTURNS INTO A MOUSE.
• Send him into production which has nothing todo with what he was trained for.
• Mouse runs here and there for help!!
• Send him mails telling about mandatorycertifications.
• Mouse commits suicide.

TCS method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a hell lot of work and pay himgovernment salary.
• Lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a pink slip in an hour.
• Lion dies of unemployment.

Wipro Method:

• Hire a Lion
• Give him a mail id.
• Lion dies receiving stupid mails all day!!

HCL Method:

• Hire a lion.
• Ask him to stay for late nights but give himno work to do.
• Give him Gobi65 to eat again and again.
• Hire 100 more lions but do not increase thespace to sit.
• Give them same Gobi65 to eat.
• Hire 200 more……. and more …….
• All of them dies of suffocation.

Accenture Method:

• Hire a lion.
• Send him to Chennai, India.
• Ask him to stay on bench for a long time.
• Ask him to eat idli, Dosa and Vada.
• No Hindi, Kannada or no other languagesspeaking people other than TAMIL.
• No good food, No water.
• Tell him “Go Ahead be a Tiger”.
• Lion dies in confusion... he is a lion or aTiger!!

Cognizant Method:

• Hire few lions.
• Make them to wait for more than one year forjoining.
• Send lions from Hyd to Chennai and lions fromChennai to Hyd.
• Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask themto join testing team.
• Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask thembuy books on “Lions First”.
• Relocate the lions from one jungle to anotherjumgle and tell them you are togoing a better jungle.
• Send old lions to African jungles (Onsite) andnever rotate them to Indianjungles.
• Old lions at Africa becomes king of thejungle.
• Indian jungle lions becomes frustrated waitingfor onsite and eventually joinsany of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accentureetc)
• Lion dies according to reasons appropriate forabove mentioned jungles (TCS,IBM, Accenture etc)

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Yesterday: Kabaliillegal downloads available.
Today: KickassTorrents officially shuts down,founder arrested in Poland.
Rajinikanth rocks.

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Tired of downloading Kabali.µTorrent uninstalled itself. System got formatted. Wi-Fi router crashed. NearbyAirtel tower vanished

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Hillary Clinton and DonaldTrump go into a bakery shop.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them inhis pocket.

He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything,and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”

Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayedthroughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you anhonest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also provethat I am much clever than you!”

Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I willshow you a magic trick?”

Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillaryswallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. ThenHillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is andasks: “What did you do with the pastries?”

Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pocket!”

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Angel Gabriel came to theLord and said:

'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians here in Heaven and they arecausing problems. They're swinging on the pearly Gates, my horn is missing,they are wearing D&G gowns instead of their white robes, they are drivingMercedes and BMW’s instead of the chariots, and they're selling off their halosat discounted prices''.


They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they keepcrouching down midway eating samosas & drinking chai. Some of them are evenwalking around with just one wing!


They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'


The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children.


If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'


Gabriel calls Satan on the phone…

Satan answers the phone: 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returns to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel: 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.

'Satan says: 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.

'After about 2 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and says: 'I'm back. Nowwhat was the question?'

Gabriel repeats the question: 'What kind of problems are you having downthere?'

Satan says: 'Man I don't believe this... Hold on.' This time Satan was gone atleast 5 minutes.


He returns and says: "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.
These Indians are trying to install air-conditioning and are trying to makeHell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire, which is there tokeep them uncomfortably hot !!

And since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone &Internet connection between Heaven &Hell, between ME & GOD !!

They have started a social network service for the troubled, and believe inKarma, and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai pakora, chole-batura, dosa & samosa,barfi, chakli and dhokla shop, which I had to stop.


Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on earth.


We have a shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable, but they have noproblems in doing everything outside in the open.


They are excellent in corrupting everyone, and my staff is being bribed bythem.

I am having difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell.

They never complain as this place seems to be better than from where they came.

I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them.

I am therefore requesting, "O GOD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soonas they arrive - for re-birth."


So now you know – "why Indians are the only ones that are re-born".

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Enjoy, laugh aloud, be happy, till I come again & tickle you

nishant

Hilarious

vinodnamdeo

nice stories,
too long to think as joke