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Funny Mathematics Jokes

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Today I met my high school mathematics teacherand he asked for directions to Barclays Bank.
So I remembered how he used to tell us thatwithout mathematics we would end nowhere in life! So I told him;
"Sir make a 270 degrees turn, take astraight transect for about 1.8 metres ( you may round that up tothe nearest tens), take an offset of 45 degrees protractedfrom the normal or the geographic north, you will then seea shop which is perpendicular to the horizontal, approximately300 metres high , make an obtuse angle turn to your left andyou will see another building with a green roof truncated
at 90 degrees the zenith.

Within that quadrant, and using Pythagoras' Theorem, you willbe able to find the bank at a
radius of about the logarithm of 7 raised to the power two, in metres(take pi to be = 3.14).

The ex teacher fainted...
I made sure he felt what I used to feel like as a pupil in his math class.

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An engineer Proposinga girl in mathematics.
Yesterday, I was passing byyour rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with your cutecircular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing
in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you my heart was a nullset,but when a vector of a particular Magnitude
from your eyes at a deviation of thetaradians made a tangent to my heart, my heart differentiated.

My love for you is a quadraticequation with real roots, which only You can solve by making
good binary relation with me.

The tangent of my love for you extendsto infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into
partial fractions but if I do so, you canintegrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element toa set. The geometry of my life revolves around
your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me atparabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making anangle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomialof degree 10.

With love from your higher orderderivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

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Dear Mathematics,

Stop Asking To Find Your X, She Has A NewBoyfriend Now.

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Interview Start...

>> MP&HR Officer <<
........................................


HR : what is your name?

Mike : MP sir

HR : In full please...

Mike : Michael Phang

HR : your father's name?

Mike : MP sir

HR : what does that mean?

Mike : Melvin Phang

HR : your native place?

Mike : MP sir

HR : what's that?

Mike : Malacca Province

HR : what is your qualification?

Mike : MP

HR : (angry) what is thaat?!!!

Mike : Mathematics Professor

HR : so why do you need a job?

Mike : it is because of MP sir

HR : meaning?

Mike : Money Problems

HR : would you explain yourself and stop wastingmy time? What's your personality like?

Mike : MP sir..

HR : and what is that??

Mike : Marvelous Personality

HR : I see... I will get back to you..

Mike : sir, how was my MP sir?

HR : and what's that again?

Mike : My Performance..

HR : I think u hv an MP..

Mike : meaning??

HR : Mental Problem!!!

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Very interesting& meaningful msg:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X YZ
is equal to:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1920 21 22 23
24 25 26
Then,
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K;
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E;
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
L+O+V+E;
12+15+22+5 = 54%
L+U+C+K ;
12+21+3+11 = 47%
None of them makes 100%. Then what makes 100%?
Is it Money? NO!
M+O+N+E+Y= 13+15+14+5+25=72%
Leadership? NO!
L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P= 12+5+1+4+5+18+1
9+8+9+16=97%
Every problem has a solution, only if we perhapschange
our "ATTITUDE"...
A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life andWork that
makes
OUR Life %Successful.
Amazing Mathematics.

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Maths and Women arethe two most complicated things in the world...
.
.
.
But Maths at least has some logic

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Teachar :- What's TheFull Form Of MATHS
.
.
Pappu :- Meri Aatma Tujhe Hamesha Satayegi !

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Why did Newtoncommitted suicide?

We all know Sir Isaac Newton, the man behind thelaws of Physics and truly a scientist extraordinaire!! But you know what theuniversal laws of Physics were proven wrong and Newton was greatlydisappointed.

Here’s the reason why Newton committedsuicide…..
Once, Newton had come to India and he hadwatched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. Here is how he wasconvinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk.

In the movie of Rajnikant, Newton was confusedto such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Rajnikant has a Brain Tumor which, accordingto the doctors can’t be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights,our great Rajnikant is shot in the head. To everybody’s surprise, the bulletpasses through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured!Long Live Rajnikant!

2) In another movie, Rajnikant is confrontedwith 3 gangsters. Rajnikant has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and aknife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster &shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces,which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & theknife kills the middle one.

3) Rajnikant is chased by a gangster. Rajnikanthas a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Not even in yourremotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as thegangster shoots, Rajnikant opens the bullet compartment of his revolver andcatches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.Bang… the gangster dies…

This was too much for our Newton to take! He wascompletely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another moviefor one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theoryof physics!! The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in theworld hasn’t changed. Oops, not so fast!

The ‘climax’ finally arrives.
Rajnikant gets to know that the villain is onthe other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajnikant can’t jump even ifhe tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.Rajnikant has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax.

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtuallyimpossible?)
Rajnikant suddenly pulls two guns from hispockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above theheight of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of thefirst gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton finally commits suicide…
Words are not enough to embellish the glory ofRajnikant, because there’s nothing Rajnikant can’t do!! So…MIND ITtt!!

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Newton's 4th law ofmotion.

Loose motion can never be done in slow motion.

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Some Rules thatNEWTON forgot to mention:

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrongnumber, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your handsbecome coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped,will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you werelate for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have aflat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed inwater, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meetingsomeone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seenwith.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove tosomeone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIO MECHANICS: The severity of the itchis inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cupof hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until thecoffee is cold..

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A cow was walkingNewton stopped it.
It stopped. He found his 1st law
"An object continues to move unless it'sstopped"

He gave a force by kicking d cow, it gave a sound'MA'
He formulated d 2nd law
"F = MA"

After sometimes d cow gave a kick to newton
Then he formulated d 3rd law
"Every action has an equal & oppositereaction""

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Patient : "WouldI be able to read after this eye surgery ?"
Doctor : "Yes why not?"
Patient : "But I'm an illiterateperson"

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After hearing thatone of the patients in Mathare mental hospital had saved another from a suicideattempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer'sfile and called him into his office. "Omondi, you records and your heroicbehavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm onlysorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around theneck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Omondireplied. "I hung him up to dry.

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Side effects ofalcohol.... and remedies!!!
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle(You
are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure: Adjust glass until open end is facingupward.
2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full oflights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to
the floor.
3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill your glass!
4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time
someone speaks.
Cause : You have your empty glass on your ear
and trying to drink from it.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself, refillyour
glass and place it on your mouth.
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are
looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house.
7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone
is dressed in white and the music is very loudand
repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure- Don't move. Let the professionals dotheir job

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A 92 year-old manwent to the doctor to get a physical check up.
A few days later the doctor saw the manwalking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on
his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to theman and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said
Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I saidyou got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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A 54 year old womanhad a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a neardeath experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 34 years 2days live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided 2 stay inthe hospital & have a face-lift, liposuction, & tummy
tuck. She even changed her hair color!
Finally she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home,she was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
"You said I had another 34 years 2 live.Why didn't you save me from the truck?"
God replied:
"I couldn't recognize you!

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A cow was kept forviva exam-
Pre BDS - it's a cow!!
Fourth year BDS - perhaps this is a cow!!!
MDS - this may be a cow or ahypopigmented buffalo!!
PHD - this may be a hypertrophied goat or an
atrophied elecphant with congenital anomalies.

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A NIGHT IN THEBAR:
Bartender: Who Are You?
I've never seen you before...
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here fora drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?

Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: Whats that?
Man: Its a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?

Man: Let me explain it with an Example.
Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too.
Bartender: Yes True!

Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married.
Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married,means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man!
How do you know all these?
Man: Thats logical thinking now you are marriedto a lady, so you are not Gay!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!


(About 20 mins, later the Bartender's BossComes)
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultanttoday.
Boss: Consultant!!Whats that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??

Bartender: I'll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gay!
Bar tender lost the job.

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A guy walks into abar. Bartender asks for his order.
Guy says: I dunno. Make me something that willhelp me forget my rotten day at work".

Bartender replies "I make one that has ashot of Ouzo, Patron, and a dose of Viagra. It's sweetened with a spoonful ofhoney & topped off with a dash of bitters to give it an edge. It'll leaveyou feeling sexy, feisty and unable to move for hours."
Guy says "WOW, sounds good! What do youcall it?"
Bartender says "Facebook!"

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If flipkart startsmatrimonial services....they will become the no 1 matrimony site....
Because they have a 30 day return policy

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Interview atFlipkart.

Interviewer : Why should I hire you ?

Candidate : My uncle bought a smartphone fromFlipkart. It was used. He returned it and ordered for another one. It was alsoused. His money was wasted. Then he ordered the same mobile on Amazon. A brandnew smartphone came. After 6 months, battery was draining fast. InformedAmazon. Got a replacement of the whole mobile. If you want to change these badsides of Flipkart, let me in or your other option is to become inferior to Amazonforever.

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True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:
caller: "Hello, Is this tech support ? "
Tech: "Yes, It is. How may I help you ?"
caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am withing my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed ?"
Tech: "Did you say a Cup holder ? "
caller: "Yes ! it is attached to the front of my computer"
Tech: "lease excuse me If I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you received this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show ?"
caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional, It just has 4X on it."
At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it He was laughing too high. The caller had been Using the load drawer of CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

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